FanMail: Dear Kanye West

Dear Mr. Kanye West,

“You see, if you ever wanted to ever be anything.  There’d always be somebody that shoot down any dream.  There’ll always be haters, that’s the way it is.  Hater niggas marry hater bitches and have hater kids.”  Those were the lyrics where you went from man to immortal in my eyes.  Ok, maybe that’s a little bit heavy, but seriously those lyrics will stay with me forever and the track that they were featured in, “Bring Me Down feat. Brandy”. The track took you from lyricist to legend in my eyes.

Ever since I listened to those words blasting from my friend’s white ‘97 Honda Accord on my way home from Best Buy, I knew you could do no wrong.  You stood next to a rarely uncomfortable-looking Mike Meyers and in a calm but crazy tone told viewers, “Bush doesn’t care about black people.“ And I applauded, ‘cuz my man Ye’ said so “eloquently” what everyone else was thinking, but didn’t have the balls to say.  Then to add some stank on it, you explicitly encouraged the whole SNL cast to “more specifically” kiss your asshole reminding them, “I’m an asshole? Y’all niggas got jokes!”

And who can forget when you staggered onto the MTV Video Music Awards stage to feed America’s sweetheart the bitter truth in what became the Interruption Twitter Hash Tag of the Year, “Yo Taylor, I’m really happy for you…I’ll let you finish. But Beyonce had one of the best videos of all time! One of the best videos of all time!”

It’s reasons like that which have led me to believe you can do no wrong.  You are a verbal mass murderer, and critics can call you rude, cocky and over-confident, but they can’t deny that you have a reason to be so…until now that is.

See Yeezy, unlike Drake who I wouldn’t mind allowing to fillet me with his bi-racial Canadian fishing pole and then write a song with a catchy hook about our XO-induced foreplay while he simultaneously insults and seduces me, I adore your lyrical ability in a way that transcends sexual attraction.  So for the life of me I can’t understand why you think Kim Kardashian matches your “fly.”

You don’t need a gimmick.  Everyone knows we can count on Ye’ to bring some cool, collected crazy to the game.  You take rap to another level that’s somewhere between intellectual, conscious and Roberto Cavalli and that is why we love you.  The truth is that I don’t even hate Kim K., I respect her hustle actually.  But I can’t help thinking that this whole “relationship” is just another business transaction for the two of you, and as a fan, I can’t take you seriously when you try this hard to insult my intelligence.

You’re better than this; I don’t want you to be a nameless black phallus that plays supporting cast on “Keeping Up With the Kardashians.” Her vacant declarations of Twitter love  for you make me physically ill, because Mr. West is not about that life.  I wasn’t the biggest Amber Rose fan, but I must say she had a bit of gritty realness to her.  Kim Kardashian herself comes off to me like a product; she could easily be replaced by a can of Red Bull, a Snuggie or any other transient cultural obsession.  And you deserve more than a plastic Armenian Snuggie.

I don’t know if I can give this my blessing.  I mean ever since this ish started, I’ve been kind giving you the side-eye.  You deserve someone who genuinely can deal with your melodrama, not initiate more.  Do you really want to be one degree of separation from Brandy’s little brother?  Doesn’t that break some kind of hip-hop handbook regulation?

You are more than a play for publicity.  You can share fashion tips with this chick, her stylist and even her momager, but not your heart.  The Huffington Post featured a headline today that read, “Kanye West ‘Can’t Wait’ to Have Kids with Kim Kardashian.”  As I read I couldn’t help but hear one of your verses play in the back of my mind: “Ya never know homie, about these hoes homie,  ya need to pump your breaks and drive slow homie.”

Sincerely,

Management

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