15 Anxiety-Inducing Moments You’ll Experience When Riding SEPTA


If you live in the city, there will come a point when riding public transportation makes a whole lot more sense than driving to your destination.  Maybe you work downtown like me and you don’t want to have to choose between eating lunch and paying for parking.  Maybe you’re trying to go out and party, but no one wants to be the designated driver and cab fare wasn’t counted into your humble baller budget.

For whatever reason if you ever ended up as a customer of The Southeastern Pennsylvania Transportation Authority, you’ll find it will make you cry, laugh and of course nauseous if you ride it long enough.  Here are 15 reasons why riding Septa could result in a prescription for Paxil.

  1.  You’ll board the bus and walk to the back confident in your ability to keep your balance, but the panic overtakes your short-lived victory when the bus is pulls off and you have nothing to hold onto and go flying into some elderly Asian woman’s grocery cart.
  2. You’re on the train and realize the operator isn’t calling out the stops, so now you’re trying to discreetly look at the map and count your stops without looking like an awkwardly lost idiot.
  3. That liquid dripping from the light onto your shoulder, is it water, oil, pee?  Oh God, could it really be pee?
  4. Just accept that one point or another a homeless person will point you out and tell you you’re going to hell in kerosene boy shorts and all of your illegitimately conceived children will roast in its fiery pits.  It’s happened to me at least three times on two different routes.
  5. You’ll run for a bus.  The driver will glance at you, close his doors and speed away while you reach for your asthma inhaler.  Passengers will point and laugh.  You’ll be a half-hour late to work.Image
  6. You’ll be violated by the nausea-inducing smell of dirty diaper, shrimp lo-mein and lunch meat.  You’ll breathe through your mouth while your brain convinces you you can taste the foul odor of fart and the deli counter.  The smell will dwell in your nostrils for the remainder of the night.
  7. The driver lets you out the backdoor, but it holds the back of your coat hostage.  Passengers will scream that you’re stuck.  Driver will gas it anyway.
  8. You spend half your ride strategically planning how you will make it to your exit around this chick’s baby stroller, that old man’s walker and whatever that brown lumpy shit is on the floor.
  9. You’ll spot an e-coli coated pole, puddle in a seat, or sit next to someone who smells like bellybutton jam that will make you want to slip and slide on a bowling lane of anti-bacterial gel.
  10. Someone who has a religious objection to headphones will subject you to their 2 Chainz, Trey Songz, Tupac playlist.Image
  11. You’ll suspect someone is under the influence of bath salts and get off three stops too soon because your life is worth the ten minute walk.
  12. Was that my stop?  Oh shit, that was my stop.
  13. Northbound vs. Southbound.  Fuck I knew I shouldn’t have cut geography.
  14. Somebody’s toddler will stare at you or worse try to touch you, you’ll politely smile.  Mom will apologize.  You’ll want to give the kid the whoop-ass version of the boundaries lesson.
  15. Cross to the other car while the train is moving?  What do I look like that crazy fuck who skydived from space?

Your turn.  How have you been violated by Septa?


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