There’ s something that most people don’t know about me: I’m a complete sucker for cheesy 80’s horror movies. I’m talking movies chockful of corn-syrup colored gore, badly scripted teen sexual encounters that prelude a good old-fashioned slashing, and special effects that look like they were created in my college freshman visual arts class. Movies like Sleepaway Camp, Bloody Birthday and of course the cult classic The Evil Dead restore my faith in satellite television.
It’s no wonder why with the release of Texas Chainsaw 3D, I find myself wondering, “Are we really doing this shit again?” Is it me or did we just do this song and dance in 2003 and 2006? I guess we are taking advantage of the fact that we can charge folks an extra $5.00 to make them feel like they too are about to be sawed into itty bitty pieces thanks to the genius of 3D. Spare me. I’m old enough to remember the original versions of remakes like Nightmare on Elm Street, The Hitcher, and The Stepfather and time and time again they have all proven there’s nothing as good as the first time. There was something about eighties horror that made viewers feel strangely superior of predictable plots and dim-witted characters. But today’s generation won’t share that same confidence. With all of the special effects and celebrity features in the world, today’s remakes fall short. It’s obvious that Hollywood is like, “Fuck the plot. As long as we get your ass in that theater, we’ve won.” It’s insulting, frankly. You could at least front for the first fifteen minutes of the film like you actually made an effort to engage me and not just take my money.
What do today’s generation of teens have to truly call their own? Not much. The past decade had us on a roll at first straying away from the supernatural to focus on shit that in this sick and twisted world we live in could actually happen to you. We had the Saw series which never made us look at puppets or cancer patients with a point to prove the same and Eli Roth’s perverted Hostel which actually took an invasive, honest look into the perversions of mankind. Paranormal Activity gave anyone craving a hit of the random flying objects of Poltergeist a nice buzz, but in between Hollywood occupied us with busy-work BS like when you give an intern a meaningless task like photo-copying the company brochure a million times because who knows, one day you might actually use them.
Honestly the last movie that left me alone paralyzed in fear and shame every time the TV reception went snowy was The Ring. Those Japanese are onto something with creepy looking long haired chicks walking on the ceiling on all fours in seizure resembling spasms that require some limbs pulled out the sockets. Can we get some more that? I mean it’s not exactly original but it’s a way different direction than trying to make Freddy Kreuger and Michael Myers old asses cool again by adding Limp Bizkit on the soundtrack and making blood seem like it’s flying on my face from the screen.
So we’ve got my main man Trey “Trigga” Songz making what I believe is his big screen acting debut as a token in this horrid looking Chainsaw Massacre crap and if he makes it to the end (which we know he won’t) I’m halfway expecting him to belt out, “I don’t want to leave, but I gotta go right now,” before getting his rock hard pecs ripped off. What’s next, Justin Beiber in Chucky Takes Hollywood 3-D? I’m over it. Paging Sam Raimi, Wes Craven and Clive Barker…can we skip the shits and giggles remakes just so Hollywood can make a quick buck off of making everything 3-D and put some sincere effort into making some movies that will go down in horror genre history? The youth of today need a little corn-syrup blood and guts to believe in.