Let me tell you something that most people won’t say because a very morally misguided part of them thinks they’re not supposed to: The truth is seriously overrated. What all of you prancing around in your self-righteousness fail to understand is that life is not going to treat you anymore special because you were honest. Life is not a Disney movie and you won’t get to be a “real boy”, marry the prince or reunite with the family you were violently separated from because you told the truth. In real life Pinocchio stays a puppet and Gepetto moves to South Florida with a retired lunch lady. The ugly step-sister gets knocked up by the prince while Cinderella remains a side jawn. And Bambi grows up to be a teen mom spending her Monday morning waiting in the WIC line. In real life it’s not the hero that necessarily wins, but the character who minds fucks this life thing the best. So all of you running around thinking you’re doing us all a favor by telling the truth, nine times out of ten the only person you’re making feel better is yourself.
I’m a firm believer in the idea that some things are better left unsaid and sometimes the truth does more damage than any lie ever could. The truth is not pretty. It’s easier for Congress to say “We can’t agree on a budget.” Rather than, “We can’t accept a Black-ish president.” Lies make life more exciting and the problem with most people today is that they mistake discretion with omission. Just because there’s no picture on Instagram to prove how delicious your Black Pepper Jamaican shrimp from Cheesecake Factory is, doesn’t mean you’re not keeping it real. My fiance’ doesn’t need to know that I ran into my ex-boyfriend at the Rite Aide and he told me my ass got fatter. Does it mean I love him any less? No. I just don’t think that my man should be my best friend, because that’s what best friends are for: to talk about cramps and birth control and how I wish he would pay attention to my whole vagina and not just my clitoris.
But if we’re going to keep life interesting, we’ve got to do it right. There is an art to lying and we need to pay this craft the homage it deserves. Because when it’s done right, everyone’s a little happier. Corrupt and deceitful as all hell, but happier. Here are a few tips on lying…the right way: