I’m good for labeling thirsty behavior, but let’s be clear: every IG like or comment, every enthusiastic flirtation and every text that comes after midnight is not necessarily evidence that someone is in need of a Deer Park smoothie. The difference between expressing your attraction to someone and obeying your thirst is as simple as a little self-respect.
For example, Rihanna puts up yet another picture on IG of her scantily clad cakes on somebody’s yacht and gets over 30,000 likes in five minutes. Someone comments, “Damn Rih Rih’s body is nice as shit.” Someone else comments, “Why don’t you let them cakes cook on my dick?” See what I did there? Anyone with eyes can see that Rihanna’s sexy, but the second comment takes the admiration to an entirely unnecessary level and leaves its author appearing severely parched. Most self-respecting men wouldn’t approach Rihanna that way in person, but for some reason when it comes to social media, self-respect doesn’t get you followers and re-tweets and that’s what it’s all about…right?
If there’s any month that brings out the thirst like no other it’s the peak month of cuffing season: February. Valentine’s Day is quickly approaching and women everywhere are putting in work to make sure they get their 7-11 roses and Russell Stover’s Cherry Cordials. But ladies, please remember, your self-respect is worth more than some red cellophane. In the next few weeks women will over-analyze, manipulate and lose all common sense all with the goal of getting a life-size teddy bear as proof that their man really cares. They’ll completely forget what an asshole he is for the other 364 days of the year and by President’s Day he’ll be back to rejecting your phone calls and then telling you three days later, “I was in the studio, Bae.”
So this Valentine’s ladies I encourage you to see through the candy hearts and Hallmark cards and make sure your man is truly into his role in the relationship and not just playing the part for one day. And no matter how good the dick is, no matter how many friends come to work Monday morning rocking something new on their left hand, no matter how depressing it is that the only thing you’re looking forward to in February is that coffee table you’ve been eyeing will be on sale for President’s Day, don’t let your thirst show. Here are a few mistakes thirst will have you looking slightly Sahara-ish: