Why I Don’t Need Tia Mowry To Teach Me How To Make Turkey Meatballs

celebrity cooking shows

There are times when I’m feeling particularly domestic. I think about all the fancy meals I can create with feta cheese, crispy prosciutto, and jicama. I’ll scour Pinterest for all kinds of sophisticated, artsy place settings and fun ideas for adult dinner parties where my friends and I debate over episodes of Politically Incorrect and actually know what to look for when pairing wine…like a boss.

But then my 8-month-old literally slaps me into reality (she’s actually just taking my glasses so she can make it rain saliva on the lenses) and suddenly I’m in the middle of Walmart facing the harsh reality that my budget and schedule will only allow me to get as fancy as the Velveeta Shells and Cheese with broccoli. Hey, at least it’s not Kraft. That vomit is for undergrads who work in the student union for $50.00 a week.

In those few moments of my Martha Stewart meets Mindy Kaling fantasies, I sometimes turn to the Cooking Channel thinking maybe I’ll find something that I can actually accomplish in reality that will look like I actually gave a damn while grocery shopping. A few weeks ago I happened to catch both actresses Tia Mowry and Tiffani Amber Thiessen’s cooking shows. I was excited to see what one half the Mowry twins would be whipping up in “Tia Mowry at Home” since she often highlighted her vegan lifestyle on the reality show she shared with her other half, Tamera a few years ago. “Dinner at Tiffani’s” seemed like a different take on a cooking show to me since we’d get to see “Kelly Kapowski” cook for celebrity friends like Seth Green and Elizabeth Berkley before engaging in moving conversation with them over Mint Chocolate Chip Mojitos about the trials and tribulations of growing up in Hollywood.

But then, in the most sobering moment of May of 2015, Ms. Mowry proceeded to instruct on how to make turkey meatballs.  You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.

Why You Need To Let Shit Go

“Should I retire before my birthday or wait until the end of August?” my mom asked me this past weekend as I dropped my daughter off to spend the day with her “Glam Mom” and “Pop Pop”. After working for a Philadelphia hospital since before I was born, my mom will be retiring this year and has a pension and a retirement plan waiting for her, something that will be a rarity for many of us millennials. Lately in my life I’ve witnessed several situations unfolding for the people around me who are struggling to let go. Whether it’s a job, a relationship or an inflated sense of power, the one thing I am learning is how pitiful and sad it looks when someone is trying to make something work that won’t and refusing to move on. I told my mom to book a birthday cruise and chuck the deuces to her job before she gets a chance to blow the 62 candles out on her cake.

Have you ever seen a TV show that should have ended a few seasons before it actually did? If not, you might want to tune in to a certain ABC Family series about four attractive, petite, dishonest friends investigating the murder of their best friend (I’m sorry but they lost me after that season where they discovered Alison was still alive). Or how about a certain Saturday morning sitcom about a diverse group of high schoolers who had a love/hate relationship with their principal that tried to transition to a college-themed series at night only to leaves fans looking like, “Where the hell is Lisa Turtle?” Or my favorite: the life and times of Canadian highschoolers who get pregnant, get arrested or come out of the closet like clockwork who I learned did “whatever it takes” to keep the fun going and will now be taking their pregnancy scares to Netflix.

Not MY Daughter: “Hot Girls Wanted” Reveals America’s Unhealthy Relationship With Sex

hot girls wanted

This weekend my 7 month-old actually napped long enough for me to catch Hot Girls Wanted, a little Sundance gem produced by Rashida Jones, the maverick who once played Jim Halpert’s rebound girlfriend we all hated to love on The Office. On top of being the spawn of old-school, super producer Quincy Jones, she also moonlights as a comic book author, screenwriter and singer (Yep, she sings “Wanted to Be Loved” on the doc’s soundtrack).

Needless to say in 84 minutes on top of gaining Jones as a new superhero, Hot Girls Wanted reaffirmed to me a sad truth that I’ve spent a good portion of my sex-ed career fighting to change: America has an unhealthy and sickening relationship with sex. The documentary follows several fresh-faced young girls barely out of their high school graduation gowns who leave their small West Bumblefuck towns chasing dreams of stardom and “the good life” in the big city of Miami. Apparently, Miami is becoming a leader in porn production since companies can escape Los Angeles laws that now require performers to wear condoms. Safe sex is apparently a buzzkill in porn profit, since many viewers prefer to watch porn that doesn’t feature condoms.

Why Are We Suddenly Obsessing About Women Choosing To Be Childfree?

childfree

There’s a movement happening in motherhood and the new parental breakthrough being applauded is the choice to be child free. You can’t peruse a blog or walk through a Barnes and Noble without women happily defending their decision to NOT be someone’s mommy. There’s “Selfish, Shallow and Self-Absorbed” an anthology of stories from women who have chosen to be child-free. And there isn’t a day that I’m scrolling down my Facebook feed that I don’t come across an article like Zero Buns In The Oven in which women feel the need to defend what takes place (or doesn’t) inside their uterus.

Newsflash: Parenthood is a personal choice that isn’t for everyone, and I can’t help but wonder why the issue has to be so black and white. The decision to parent isn’t as simple as we keep trying to make it. If we aren’t damning anything with ovaries straight to hell that isn’t sporting a mini human on their hip by 30, we are talking about why it’s the best thing ever to only be responsible for the well-being of a glass of wine.

When Did “The Music Video” Die?

music videos dead

I usually waste the first hour or so of my work day playing whatever game those geniuses over at Google have posted to commemorate that’s days mark on history and doing all those random things I previously made a mental note to do as soon as I get some wi-fi and free time (Google “real deserted islands”, look up the Shoprite circular for the week, check Drake tour dates). Yesterday after I gave up on getting a high score on Google’s version of “Pony Express” I decided to Youtube Wale’s “Girls On Drugs” and Janelle Monae’s “Yoga”. Mind you, this was only after websites like Bustle and VIBE told me these vids not only existed, but in fact were worth risking my boss’s watchful eye to make sure I was updating the Google calendar and not browsing the baby section at H&M once again.

That’s when it occurred to me: Do you know how much work goes into looking up a music video? OK, not much at all, but I guess what I’m trying to say is that finding the latest visual that accompanies your favorite artist’s new single kind of requires some researching. For someone who grew up in a time where Video Soul was the equivalent of an episode of Scandal, TRL was life and the premiere of anything by Hype Williams was a fucking world event, it saddens me that the “music video” as we know it is slowly dying.

5 Reasons You Shouldn’t Compete With Your BFF’s New Boyfriend

third-wheel

For months you’ve had someone who would pick apart Facebook wedding albums with you about why the Mrs. Soon-To-Be-So-and-So couldn’t afford an open bar because she spent so much money on the god awful coral mermaid-cut gown. You and your bestie would jog around in your yoga pants and complimentary girl power, self-righteous in the comfort of not needing or wanting a man. You’re too busy throwing back Alabama slammers after a long day of getting your mogul in the making on climbing the career ladder. Who needs a boyfriend when you’ve got a bestie?

But then it happens. It starts with a sexy Trey Songz look-a-like at happy hour, licking his lips and sneaking glances at your girl from the bar. You low-key peep her making eye contact and running her fingers through her Bobbi Boss all smitten-like and in no time he’s getting his Bottoms Up on at your table. Next thing you know, it’s two weeks later, and you’re getting sporadic responses to your texts and home girl is repeatedly postponing that jog because she’s too winded in the wee morning hours from getting her boots smoked from Mr. Steal Yo’ Girl.

Yep, he did that. And that familiar feeling of being annoyed by absolutely nothing and picking apart your girl’s new relationship is jealousy. And not necessarily jealousy because you want some of what she has, but more so just a case of you missing your friend. But before you go making an enemy out about of your new friend by default, consider how making her man your competition could eventually leave you all alone:

Why Purging Won’t Solve Your Problems

purging your problems away

At some point, all women will come through an experience in their lives that will lead them to the idea of purging their problems away. It might be a bad break up, an unexpected job lay off or the breakdown of a friendship that you’ve realized is a very parasitic part of your life. Some of us will delete all the numbers off our phones believing clearing our contacts will cleanse our conscience. Others will sift through their Facebook friends, go natural and cut off all the processed parts of their hair or get rid of all the Pop Secret and Pringles in the kitchen cabinets.

On Tuesday, we witnessed our favorite anti-hero Mary Jane attempt to purge her problems away on BET’s Being Mary Jane. After yet another failed attempt to make a wrong relationship get right with ex-boyfriend, David, MJ finds herself frantically vacuuming her house in the early morning hours before pouring top shelf tequila down her drain and embarking on a self-help journey through “Johari’s window”. She’s desperate and dying to discover what ever made her sink to the levels of trying to get pregnant by a man who is already expecting a child with another woman.

When you’re drowning it’s all too easy to be so desperate to be saved that you end up jumping on the first driftwood raft you see when the Carnival Cruise Ship is only a few feet in the distance. Purging your problems away rarely works because it doesn’t matter how many friends you delete or material items you through away, if you’re only ridding yourself of symptoms of the problem and not the actual problem you’ll always end up unhappy.

If you’re deleting all of your Facebook friends because you’re tired of seeing bullshit, the problem isn’t your friends, the problem is what made you accept those friend requests in the first place and why does their cyber bullshit affect your ability to function in life so much. It’s Facebook, people. You can log off and move the fuck on with your very real life without deleting a damn soul. I always say if your timeline is full of bullshit that says more about the company you choose to keep on-line than other people’s issues. My timeline is full of grad school congrats, wedding pictures and newborn babies, not baby daddy drama and chicks beefing off of whose LV bag is real or not. What about yours?

Also, life is about balance. Clearing your contacts and getting rid of all your liquor is like douching your life. You need a balance of both good and bad things, otherwise after completely cleaning house you risk overcompensating and ending up with the infection you initially started with. You don’t always need to get rid of the bad, you need to learn how to better deal with it since it is inevitably a part of life.

In addition, when it comes to the fragile balance of bad habits, there are times in life that are simply about survival. And as long as you don’t drop too far in the rabbit hole and start developing an unhealthy dependency, sometimes it’s OK to develop a few bad habits if it means in the long run you become a better person.