Made U Look: Onesies

Source: NecoleBitchie.com

If it wasn’t enough that I have to repeatedly be subjected to Miley Cyrus dropping it like it’s not twerking in this godforsaken unicorn onesie, I come across this picture of Ciara, whom I feel is desperately just trying to find any way to stand out as my man Charlemagne would say in a “Beyonce/Rihanna world”.  So before this crime of fashion gets out of hand, allow me to state that this onesie trend is NOT cute.  Like not even kind of.  These onesies are equivalent to pajama jeans or wearing scrub sets when the closest you’ve been to a hospital is being treated for accidentally cutting your slashing your thumb with a potato peeler: They all look like you didn’t try.

Source: DisneyDreaming.com

Onesies made it to this edition of Made U Look because they will make people stare for all of the wrong reasons.  As some of you may know, I love shopping UK fashion sites and that’s where I first came across this dreaded moment in fashion that we will be looking at like “WTF was I thinking?” come next year (kind of how I won’t feel about all the wedge sneaker collection I am hesitantly building).  Trust me, you will regret this nostalgic moment in trying to make your Garanimals into Gaultier.  And unless them bitches have slippery footies that we can burn holes through while we fake ice-skate across the carpet, there is no damn point in wasting your money.  Like shiny foil-like bubble jackets circa P. Diddy and Mase, velour sweatsuits, popping your collar and harem pants (Who is responsible for repeatedly trying to make those damn things hot outside of Hammertime?) this shit needs to stop now before it gets out of hand.  And while we’re at it avoid these things too.

Source: Chictopia.com

They are just all kinds of wrong.  You’re not edgy.  You’re not Rihanna. You just look like you spent way too much money on leggings that highlight your cellulite courtesy of Rainbow.

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Made U Look: Mint Condition

While I’m anxiously awaiting for the peplum trend to die an ugly death, I’ve become quite fond of a particular color. Now y’all know when I stray from black, grey and white it’s kind of a big deal and I found yet another color to join yellow as one my faves outside of the neutral zone. It turns out mint is not just for bad breath, it’s actually quite refreshing for your wardrobe and very flattering on brown skin tones. And the good news is that it’s one of the coolest colors for this spring, so you’re sure to find it on everywhere and everything. Check out some gems I’ve got on the wishlist (some pieces are more “aqua” as opposed to “mint”):

Forever 21 Neon Toe Ballet Flats $16.80

Forever 21 Essential Polka Dot Georgette Dress $24.80

Flying Tri-Colors Sky Blue Color Block Dress

Lulu’s Hearts-ichord Mint Green Long Sleeve $28.50

Lulu’s The Envelope, Please Mint and Peach Clutch $36.00

GoJane  Crochet Accent Shift Dress $43.20

GoJane Crochet Accent Shift Dress $43.20

How Crew Love Will Get You Left Alone

Source: MadameNoire.com

I have a friend who has a hard time talking to men.  In fact, if Facebook and Instagram completely shut down tomorrow she very well may have no interaction ever again with the opposite sex.  Every time we talk about how she can let a guy know that she’s into him, it brings up painful memories for me of trying to get a guy’s attention in ninth grade.  Should I leave a note (So he can have proof of you playing yourself)? Send a message through a friend (So he can decide he was way more into her bold, fast ass than her friend who took the long way to fourth period just to walk past him and not say anything)? I could do the lingering eye-contact thingy (And try not to seem like a stalker with a staring problem). Luckily I avoided most of the over-analyzing and insecurity that came with the freshman flirt game.  See. In high school something happened (no I didn’t get a donkey behind or D-Cups) but for whatever reason, boys started to be the ones breaking a sweat to speak to me.

Since ninth grade I’ve grown into a pretty outspoken person.  In fact through trying to encourage my friend to get from behind her cell phone and actually make some eye contact with someone I realized to my surprise that I don’t really actually flirt with guys.  After the sexy come-hither stare I skip right pass throwing my hair back, biting my lip and asking, “Do you want to hang out sometime?” to “I’m feeling you. Do you feel the same way?”  I’m not good with indirectness.  Life is too short for me to be consulting Cosmo on clever ways on how to get a man to answer questions I never ask when I can just well…ask them.

I say all this to say that the way I meet guys has a lot to do with my lack of flirting skills as well.  I realized that the last three serious partners I’ve had, I’ve met through a friend of a friend.  If you don’t have hips like Beyonce’ or a personality like Rihanna the next best thing you can do is put yourself in a good position to meet a man, even if you don’t have any intentions on actually making the first move.  One of the best ways you can do this is keeping some close male friends (without actually being one of the guys).

Let’s get to the point:  I’ve had great luck meeting men through guy friends who wanted me for themselves that I placed in the “friend category”.  See when you meet a guy that has a crew of friends, there’s good odds that you’ll be attracted to one of them.  The problem most chicks have is that they try to sample each crew member until they find one that’s a good fit which usually leaves them lonely with a skanky reputation. You have to proceed with extreme caution when pursuing the friend of someone you once dated (or slept with).  One false move can have you looking like a hoe, and the crew look like King Leonidas and his team of Spartans.  If you’ve decided you like his friend a little bit better, take heed of the following:

1.  Guys talk…in graphic detail.

When it comes to kissing and telling, best believe men get down dirtier with the details than we do.  The only thing that has serious impact on this is when a man has decided he wants to wife you, then suddenly you become respectable and any comments about your ass get checked from the door.  But otherwise, before anything becomes confirmed, expect them to trade stories about what bodily fluids landed where, every dimple or stretch mark in your ass, and how your nose flares when you’re about to cum (And if Guy #1 has told these stories before, it’s probably why Guy #2 became interested in the first place.)  If you believe in what your pursuing with his boy you’ll have to handle the occasional joke and moments of muffled laughter in the background when you call him.

2.  If it goes sour, they’ll still be friends and ragging on you will become a past time like poker or playing Madden on 360. 

We women are the only idiots that shut down friendships from the days of double-dutch and kiddie perms over dick.  After men bone the same chick and shit goes south, they go to the titty bar and end the night watching Kevin Hart and smoking weed like shit hasn’t happened.  Because truthfully there are certain things that shouldn’t get in the way of real friendships, and those things include shiftless, trifling women and men. No man wants to feel like everyone had had a piece of his chick, especially his boys. So if you’re causing too much unnecessary drama, instead of disrupting their group, they’ll eliminate the problem.  They’re not going to be sitting around talking about how much of a cool chick you are, instead they’ll bond over the fact that they all ran through you like a Checker’s drive-thru.