Does it Matter to Men if It’s Fake?

As much as I try to reassure myself that Nicki Minaj’s body is only banging cuz it’s bought, the more I find myself wondering if that even matters.  I must say, that even if it’s been butchered to look that way, the stills of her in French Montana’s “Freaks” video that were recently released have me feeling all kinds of self-conscious.  Although the blonde Barbie has never openly confessed that her curves came courtesy of a scalpel, she’s definitely never denied it.

I consider myself lucky, and it’s not because I’ve got a pair of perky B-cups and wear a size 4, but because most days I look in the mirror and know I’m beautiful, because I know if I don’t believe it there’s no way I can ever expect anyone else to.  I’m not even a subscriber to typical girl power mantras of, “Be happy with what God gave you” or “Beauty’s only skin deep”  because I know damn well there’s something about a head full of Brazilian Wave and a pair of 5” platform heels that take me from:

to:

I’m still undecided on whether all of the breast and booty implant madness is just an epidemic of women doing what they need to do to feel better about themselves or the result of women wanting to be the baddest bitch in most men’s eyes.  Whether she wants an ass that can swallow a G-string or she just wants her breasts to look the way they once did before breastfeeding, every woman’s reasoning for going under the knife is different and to every woman feels her reason is just as important as any other’s.  Like I said, I don’t knock women doing what they need to feel beautiful, as long as she is the one who’s truly defining that beauty.  But let’s be honest, every woman gets a little bit of switch in her hip and a boost of confidence when some man tells her she’s “bad”.  She could have a face like a Rottweiler but if her ass is in a Hunger Games battle with her panty line, you can’t tell that woman she’s not the finest thing to ever need a game plan to squeeze into skinny jeans.

If you refer to any Lil’ Wayne video, Basketball Wives episode or ballers getting bottle service in VIP “bad” is defined as a woman with a fat ass, big titties and a small waist and bonus points if she’s got a face like Lauren London.  I mean really, in a world full of Nicki Minaj bodies what’s a man to want with some perky B-cups and a real fat ass.  By “real” I don’t just mean hydrogel-free, I’m talking about an ass that’s not only fat but one that is sprinkled with dimples, slathered by cellulite and has stretch mark patterns that could give Mapquest a fair one.  But do men care about what God gave us as much as our insecurities may hope they do?

Well the first man I decided to ask was the boyfriend, although I wasn’t sure he be capable of giving me an honest answer.  After quickly reminding me that he doesn’t represent all men he responded, “Fake asses and titties are nice to look at, but at the end of the day it’s corny because you bought it.  Any girl can be bad if that’s the case.”  Still I ask do breast implants or booty implants look or feel any differently?  I know when I look at Nicki Minaj I can’t deny that’s she’s sexy as hell, but there’s still something a little too perfect and plastic about her.  It’s kind of like having a knockoff LV bag.  Even the best one’s are nice to look at, but there’s always something a little off about it and what’s worse is the self-doubt that comes with knowing you don’t have the real thing…even if it’s only a little bit.

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Made U Look: Skater Dresses

Source: TheYBF.com

Allow me to introduce the latest of the guilty pleasures and the shameful reason I have been skinny-dipping into my savings: Skater Dresses and UK Shopping.  Anyone who knows me knows that I am dreading to see fall and winter go because those are the seasons my style loves the most.  Between pea coats, knee boots and skinny jeans, and layers of neutral tones, cold weather was made for my closet. I was dreading shopping for spring. I still have childhood resentment towards my skinny calves which look awkward in shorts, so I limit myself mostly to dresses, jeans and tank tops.  I guess I’ve always felt my creativity became stifled when the weather turns warm.

But thanks to the fashion gods over at Boohoo.com and Misguided.co UK, not only have I become obsessed with skater dresses, but the overseas sites I’ve found them on.  So why are they called skater dresses?  With their A-line hems and silhouettes of flirty fabrics, skater dresses are meant to resemble a commercial take on the costumes worn by figure skaters.  Skater dresses are usually composed of low necklines, high hemlines and a flared out waistline.  The dresses are meant to be fitted but with plenty of movement and the best part: They’re flattering to most figures, from the petites to the big girls.

So after adding several to my online shopping cart with the hopes that my items would stay there until pay day, I came to the conclusion that when it comes to fashion the Brits just do it better. Although Boohoo.com is my fave, I’ve browsed other retailers across the pond including TopShop, Missguided, Lipsy and Miss Selfridge.  One of the biggest pros of overseas on-line shopping is that you’ll find cute styles that everyone and their mama won’t be wearing when you pass them on a city sidewalk near you. Take a look at some of my favorite skater dresses as well as some tips for shopping abroad without even boarding a flight:

FanMail: RaaShaun Casey (better known as DJ Envy)

Source: Ru-Crazy.com

Dear Mr. Casey,

Well let me start with an apology, since I feel the slightest bit responsible for your recent admission of infidelity.  Allow me to explain: My crushes are cursed.  About two months ago I came across a random Google image of you and decided that if I ever met you, you could probably get it.  The crush lasted all of about five seconds after via a Google search I discovered you were what I thought at the time happily married to your gorgeous wife, Gia Casey.  Nonetheless it never fails that every time I start checking for a certain celeb via fantasies that in an alternate universe I could possibly have my way with them, suddenly it seems their love life becomes the center of controversy (I mean seriously, was DJ Envy really anyone’s hot topic before 3 weeks ago?)  Take the two seconds I decided that Terius Nash aka The Dream was borderline fine (Don’t ask I had a weak moment for teddy bear types).  Suddenly, he became a free space in Christina Milian’s producer-baby-daddy Bingo.  In my adolescence when I was hot in the pants and hormonal, Diddy (at the time Puff Daddy) was the hottest thing in a shiny suit since Strawberry Pop Tarts, but then came Jennifer Lopez’s Fly Girl flipping ass trying to be down. But before my powerful imagination takes the blame for you dick’s obvious lack of self-control, let’s address the fact that you’ve clearly already found someone else to place the blame on.

Help me understand one thing, Mr. Casey.  What the hell was going on in your head when you cheated on this:

Source: Allthingsrh.com

 For this:

Source: Exposay.com

Yes I chose the worst picture I could possibly find, but still.  I mean I don’t have any issues with Erica Mena, but it’s like chuckin the deuces up to Olive Garden to get it poppin with some Top Ramen. Which brings me to my point:  Why do men downgrade when it comes to being unfaithful?  If you’re going to cheat, at least spare your main chick some embarrassment by test driving a newer model with more features.  Let’s assume for a second that all of this new hoopla is actually just another semi-famous celeb being forced to struggle through the weak points in their relationship in front of the public and not just a ploy so that Gia has an actual storyline when she’s featured as a rumored cast member of the next season of The Real Housewives of New Jersey.  DJ Envy revealed in a roundabout way how he is actually the victim in this situation:

It’s a difficult thing to do. Sometimes being married it makes you insecure dude. I looked like I had everything. It was scary, my wife is gorgeous. She might meet somebody that’s smarter than me. It made me insecure.  With being insecure, with me being weak. I was so insecure and so down..I started messing with somebody that was beneath me. A bird. Evil. A liar. Somebody that was desperate and its just so pathetic. I mean I didn’t hafta feed this person no feed. I didn’t hafta make her feel special, because she wasn’t. So that’s what it was.”

Now here’s the thing, I kind of agree with you.  The price you pay when you’re in a legit loving relationship is that you have someone who loves you so much that sometimes it almost seems as if they’re obligated to, and sometimes that much comfort can play tricks on you.  It can have you literally on some Adele shit waiting for the sky to fall and for it to all go wrong when that person wakes up and realizes you’re not as great as love had them believing you were.  If you sit on feelings like that and start to take them seriously, you’ll honestly start believing random nobodies outside your relationship are the only ones seeing the “real you” because they’re not blinded by any investment they have in you.  Over-analyze these insecurities and you’ll end up sabotaging the love you feel like on some level you don’t deserve.

Juice Detox Week 3: “Crazy Sexy Goddess”

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It’s a wrap for Week 3 as me and my sister’s adventures in detoxing continues. Last night we visited our friendly neighborhood Chinese market (ole’ girl who got me for my mango rang us up but I made sure all of our veggies made it to the bag) to buy some ingredients for our next detox which is yet to be announced.  We bought some of the things we know we’ve enjoyed so far like spinach and kiwi and are going to try and just wing it for this week.

As fruit snack lady gave us our whopping total of 15.22, I began to wonder exactly how cost effective our homemade detox actually is.  Last night we bought 2 medium sized bundles of spinach, 11 oz. of blueberries, 1 lb. of strawberries, 4 kiwis and 32 fl. Oz. of Zola Acai Pomegranate Juice with the latter being the most expensive out of all the items at $5.00.  Our bulk of ingredients usually yield enough juice for 4 servings of juice (2 for sis and 2 for me).  Meaning that most of the time we are only juicing 2-3 days out of the week, not nearly as much as I planned.

Juice Detox Week 2: “Environmental Science Smoothie” and “The Super Green”

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Well week 2 is over and done with and detoxing is starting to have my body question what the hell is going on…but in a good way.  But before I get into my tales of gagging and fruit snacks I have a few confessions.  I broke down and had a Big Mac Extra Value Meal last Friday which wasn’t too bad, until I forgot the happy hour I had planned to celebrate a co-worker’s new job.  This past Friday came and went and while that co-worker ended up not even being able to attend for his congratulatory cocktails, the rest of us decided that was no reason to not get happy.  I broke down and had 2 Big Ass Margaritas, then made a weekend of it the next day and 2 Red, White and Blue ‘Ritas at Ruby Tuesday.  So much for the detox, and this might even be starting to signal the start of a drinking problem.  I never realized how much I associated unwinding with having a drink.  And while I don’t see myself at an AA meeting anytime soon, I should probably evaluate some other options on how to de-stress.

Besides the slight tequila intake, for the most part I have stuck to the juices and water and trying to work well-balanced meals into most of my days.  I never realized how much I snack out of impulse, and it’s hardest not to do at work since there’s always pretzels and candy readily available and two Five Guys not even a mile apart.

The biggest lesson I’ve learned during week 2 is that changing your diet is really about changing your lifestyle.  I never realized exactly what that meant until this weekend.  If I’m not at a club (drinking), or listening to some Pandora while I wait up for my boyfriend to get off work (drinking), or having a Wine and Wii weekend with my bestie, I was kind of at a loss.  I was…well bored.   Netflix was little more entertaining after a couple shots and doing the Dougie alone in the living room mirror seemed a little less loserish after a glass of Grand Cosmo.  So maybe on a deeper level detoxing is not really just about staying sober, but finding other ways to have fun.