Dear Blogs: We Aren’t All Built Like Coke Bottles…and That’s OK

Source: FrugivoreMag.com

If I’m being honest, most days I don’t take MediaTakeOut too seriously. I mean Rihanna can’t be pictured shaking someone’s hand  without them reporting that she became pregnant with their child under the influence of a 48-hour coke binge.  I get it, most blogs are purely for entertainment and hits.  If I want facts I’d probably fare better with the “I’m Feeling Lucky” button on Google than consulting some random celebrity blog. I mean anyone can have a blog and write what they want.  Shit, I have a blog and write what I want.

My problem comes with the fact that the more momentum and larger audiences that these blogs gain, their ability to create norms and define beauty becomes magnified.  Left in the wrong hands, that’s a pretty dangerous superpower. Point being this headline: Chris Brown’s Girlfriend Takes Some Bikini Pics and Has The Body of 10 Year Old Boy.

Source: PromiFlash.de

OK, among my other skinny girl problems  like people assuming I don’t need room for my blood to circulate while seated on the bus or being repeatedly reminded to eat like I have it scheduled in a planner, this shit right here truly annoys me.  It’s no secret we live in a world of tub caulk asses and saline breasts.  It’s gotten to the point where it’s cool if a woman’s ass looks like this guy’s from The Oblongs:

Mikey: Twerking That Thang Since 2001

I’ve stated before that sometimes I glance at Nicki Minaj and question my own self-esteem as well as my own sexuality.  But I’m a skinny girl who’s embraced whatever little curves I have or lack a long time ago.  And no matter how much the blogs or hip-hop tries to convince me, I refuse to believe that if my ass isn’t overlapping my thighs I am not sexy,desirable or “grown”. I also refuse to believe that all men want a carbon copy straight from a Rick Ross video set.

I think it’s so funny how many things are associated with being thick and curvy.  I know people wouldn’t assume I was 17 when they first met me if they had to make room for my hips.  I know people wouldn’t think I’m as innocent and demure as I appear if I had trouble keeping my tits in my shirt.  I’m not throwing shade on the thick girls, I’m just saying that our culture can’t be this close-minded.

How contradictory is it to tell women that they shouldn’t starve themselves but it’s cool if you want to inject yourself with gallons of hydrogel since it doesn’t look any different than the real thing.  I went from one blog bashing “Chris Brown’s girlfriend” (by the way her name is Karrueche) to another with a headline saying, “Now We Know Why C Breezy just Can’t Seem to Leave Kae Alone.”  Huh?

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There’s a Thin Line Between “Thick” and Fat

Source: Flickr.com

There’s a dangerous epidemic hitting black women across the country that’s been put into play for some time now: Fat women masquerading themselves as “thick”.  Now before I get the “this bitter skinny bitch” backlash, let me attempt to be perfectly clear: I acknowledge there are plenty of beautiful, sexy, big women in this world, but as far as I know when it comes to the definition of thick there’s a point when a woman goes one chicken cheese steak past Amber Rose and straight into Precious territory.  The truth is if you are battling high blood pressure and diabetes, have to lift your stomach to “trim the hedges” and have wings that Popeye’s Louisiana Fast has nothing on, then you’re probably seeing a Weight Watchers endorsement before an Outkast video in your future.

Let’s just call a spade a spade.  I remember a phase when I referred to my “big forehead” as a glamorous Tyra Bank’s inspired “high hairline”.  But the truth is I have a big ass head.  On a scale of one to ten, I’m about a Rihanna and on really self-conscious days I swear you can see my thoughts scroll across it like the Nasdaq stock ticker.  Sometimes I want to dive into life head first with my forehead loud and proud and other days I wear my beret a little bit lower or let some blunt bangs hang over it like vertical blinds.  In any case, if I can own up to my Imax forehead, I think those questioning where their curves fall on the thickness scale need to be more honest about their choice of adjectives.

How High? 10 Tips on Making Your Pumps Less Painful

Source: CatwalkFashion.co.uk

A small fraction of me got excited for spring the other day and temporarily lost my mind. When I finally regained my sanity I found that I had made online purchases that resulted in three body-con dresses and one skater dress amongst other things that were once only pins on my Spring/Summer 2013 Pinterest board.

It’s no help that in one week the weather forced me into a light jersey dress by Wednesday only to have me in a pea coat and dark denim by Friday.  I need Mother Nature to make up her damn mind.  I barely want to part with my riding boots and cowl neck sweaters as it is, but every time I try to leave, below average temps keep pulling me back.

Anywayz, what that means is that it’s comeback season for my heels as I get ready for a summer hopefully packed with concerts, Fire Island panty parties and getaways with the girls.  Even if it means I’m dangling them in my hand helping a friend make her “boardwalk of shame” along the beach after one too many shots of Parrot Bay.

The truth is…I’m a little scared.  My riding boots have spoiled me all winter long and I know my feet will be pissed if I even look at anything more than an inch higher than the ground.  Say goodbye to the comfort that came with not anticipating cracks in the sidewalk, gliding to the back of a speeding bus with ease without grabbing to the poles so you don’t end up in some strange man’s lap or secretly laughing at your friend limping halfway through the night in her 5 inchers as you dance your ass off in your funky wedge sneakers.

Whether you’re a newbie to the game or coming off a high-heel hiatus, here are some tips on how to make your pumps slightly less painful (along with some of my favorite foot finds for spring and summer):

Juice Detox Week 3: “Crazy Sexy Goddess”

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It’s a wrap for Week 3 as me and my sister’s adventures in detoxing continues. Last night we visited our friendly neighborhood Chinese market (ole’ girl who got me for my mango rang us up but I made sure all of our veggies made it to the bag) to buy some ingredients for our next detox which is yet to be announced.  We bought some of the things we know we’ve enjoyed so far like spinach and kiwi and are going to try and just wing it for this week.

As fruit snack lady gave us our whopping total of 15.22, I began to wonder exactly how cost effective our homemade detox actually is.  Last night we bought 2 medium sized bundles of spinach, 11 oz. of blueberries, 1 lb. of strawberries, 4 kiwis and 32 fl. Oz. of Zola Acai Pomegranate Juice with the latter being the most expensive out of all the items at $5.00.  Our bulk of ingredients usually yield enough juice for 4 servings of juice (2 for sis and 2 for me).  Meaning that most of the time we are only juicing 2-3 days out of the week, not nearly as much as I planned.

Juice Detox Week 2: “Environmental Science Smoothie” and “The Super Green”

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Well week 2 is over and done with and detoxing is starting to have my body question what the hell is going on…but in a good way.  But before I get into my tales of gagging and fruit snacks I have a few confessions.  I broke down and had a Big Mac Extra Value Meal last Friday which wasn’t too bad, until I forgot the happy hour I had planned to celebrate a co-worker’s new job.  This past Friday came and went and while that co-worker ended up not even being able to attend for his congratulatory cocktails, the rest of us decided that was no reason to not get happy.  I broke down and had 2 Big Ass Margaritas, then made a weekend of it the next day and 2 Red, White and Blue ‘Ritas at Ruby Tuesday.  So much for the detox, and this might even be starting to signal the start of a drinking problem.  I never realized how much I associated unwinding with having a drink.  And while I don’t see myself at an AA meeting anytime soon, I should probably evaluate some other options on how to de-stress.

Besides the slight tequila intake, for the most part I have stuck to the juices and water and trying to work well-balanced meals into most of my days.  I never realized how much I snack out of impulse, and it’s hardest not to do at work since there’s always pretzels and candy readily available and two Five Guys not even a mile apart.

The biggest lesson I’ve learned during week 2 is that changing your diet is really about changing your lifestyle.  I never realized exactly what that meant until this weekend.  If I’m not at a club (drinking), or listening to some Pandora while I wait up for my boyfriend to get off work (drinking), or having a Wine and Wii weekend with my bestie, I was kind of at a loss.  I was…well bored.   Netflix was little more entertaining after a couple shots and doing the Dougie alone in the living room mirror seemed a little less loserish after a glass of Grand Cosmo.  So maybe on a deeper level detoxing is not really just about staying sober, but finding other ways to have fun.

Beauty is Truth: Savour

So on my recent monthly ritual trip to Target to pick up bath and body supplies, I experienced a slight surge of panic when I realized that “Scrub Actually” was nowhere to be found.  In fact the whole Soap and Glory display had been replaced by the vacant mockery of fluorescent lights and trails of sampled clearance items.

Seriously?  Everytime I fall in love with a line of products they pack up and leave shop like an unhappy housewife in the middle of the night. I remember finally finding a body scrub I could love in the Tutti Dolci Line that was sold exclusively at Bath and Body Works and later Victoria’s Secret.  Ever since their departure, I’ve been silently stalking Ebay for a scent similar to Tiramisu Veneziano and Fantasia Di Ciccolata.

What can I say?  As much as I love devouring some of my favorite desserts,  I love smelling like them just as much.  So in my disappointment surrounded by a selection of what I assumed were subpar products that could never find a home in my bathtub,  I found myself being drawn to Savour’s Choco Latte body lotion.  The scent was subtle and delicious without being offensive.  So since OCD me can’t buy anything unless it’s in a set, I ended up purchasing the matching sugar scrub and body wash.  I am in love!  At only $5.99 each for a decently portioned 13 oz.  bottle, these products have a superior quality.  The lotion is creamy and the scent is long-lasting.  Additional scents include Buttercream Cupcake, Mint Mojito,  Raspberry Gelato, Spiced Cider and the list goes on.  So excuse me while I stock up before I get stood up in the bath and body aisle by yet another brand.