Who Run the World? “Girls” Unfortunately

Source: Tumblr.com

Maybe I’m a little bitter that HBO prematurely ended the t-shirt making adventures of Cam and that other tall white guy who played the main character on How to Make it in America.  Ok, I’m pissed. But that doesn’t change the fact that no matter how hard I try (and I’ve tried at least three times) I just can’t seem to get into “Girls”.

I didn’t want to express my thoughts about the HBO hit until I tried for a third time to sit down and take an objective look at what according to the Hollywood Reporter was “raw and inspiring” about what I assumed was a recycled Sex and the City.  Because, let’s be honest.  That’s all HBO has ever really wanted: the reincarnation of Samantha, Carrie, Charlotte and the other chick with the red hair.  So I set my DVR to turn to the first episode that would air on one of the many HBO’s on my preview guide and tuned in for “Bad Friend”.

So for those of you who have managed to avoid the hipster influenza that is all of the fuss over the genius that apparently is Lena Dunham, I’ll provide you with a quick breakdown.  Basically the whole episode focused on Hannah’s adventures experimenting with coke, a story idea suggested by an editor as a challenge to step out of her comfort zone.   Her and roommate Elijah in all of their glowsticked glory find themselves snorting coke off of a toilet seat at a rave when he reveals he slept with friend Marnie.  Apparently this is a problem because him and Hannah used to date I’m assuming (and all this time I thought he was gay).  Well it completely shatters Hannah’s high before she returns home to cuss out Marnie and annoint her a “bad friend” and then sleep with ex-junkie neighbor, Laird.  Meanwhile Marnie’s life includes being locked up in a weird TV lined closet thingy with videos of babies crying and maggots courtesy of an artist who she ends up boning but-naked in a doggy-style starfish position while he asks her to describe a creepy doll that’s tied to the bedpost.  These people are complete fucking weirdos.  And after all of that the one scene that stood out to me was when Hannah is dancing with a fellow raver and they trade shirts on the dance floor leaving him a floral tank top and her in a mesh yellow tank with her nipples on full display.  It was funny because we all have all seen someone in the club who ends up far past a good time and straight into short yellow bus territory.

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Juice Detox Week One: The Liver Cleanser

I was obsessed with this purple color.

I was obsessed with this purple color.

Between the spiked egg nog, Mad Mex’s Big Ass Margarita and Cuervo Gold Tequila Flight Shots, I spent most of the holiday in an inebriated daze.  After one hangover too many (and getting kicked out of the same club for the second time) I really started to have some severe concerns about my health and well-being.  Well, actually it started with me waking up the next morning after a Friday night Happy Hour with a sharp pain under my right side of my ribcage.  I found myself Googling what organs were located on that side of the body just in case my liver was malfunctioning, and even though it only turned out to be gas, it was enough to scare me into a break from the bottle.

You won’t see me on an episode of Intervention, but it’s no secret that I enjoy my fair share of the spirits, but after going hard and heavy over the holidays I started to worry about the damage I was doing to my organs.  I was far from an intervention, but still partying more than I did my senior of college and that’s a problem. I’m slowly approaching thirty and it’s becoming clear to me that my lifestyle of Five Guys Fridays  and my weekend dates with Wine and Spirits will eventually catch up to not only my appearance but my health as well.  It’s official: I’m not invincible.

In an effort to start making some healthy choices, I’ve decided to take baby steps. Starting yesterday, I decided to eliminate soda and alcohol from my diet for at least a month and joined by my big sis limit myself to water and 25 Delectable Detox Smoothies that she found on Prevention.com.  Every week I’ll update you guys on which ones tasted great and which ones made us gag, which ones made us feel a little healthier and which ones seemed to be a complete waste. I’ll also include some helpful hints on which recipes were wallet-friendly since something tells me going green is a lot more expensive than my dear friend, Mr. Takeout.  First up:  The Liver Cleanser (since I thought I was close to losing my own).

Made U Look: My Undying Love for Hennes & Mauritz (H&M)

H&M Store

There’s a reason you can usually find several H&M stores within blocks of one another in most metropolitan cities.  They’re simply dope.  When I came across the Thought Catalog post, How to Shop H&M in 20 Simple Steps, I instantly sent it to all of my friends.  Because they are all well aware that sending me to H&M is like sending a fat kid to the Tastykake factory.  And at least once they’ve been dragged through Times Square, Center City Philadelphia or the King of Prussia or Neshaminy malls as a part of my deep-seeded plan to visit all 2,800 stores throughout the world.  Because they all really do carry something different.  There is no reason every girl (and some guys) shouldn’t have at least three items from H&M in their closet. Check out 10 reasons why you should be shopping with Hennes and Mauritz (and 1 reason it may be hard for you to) accompanied by ten items that I have my eye on for Spring 2013.

Why “Sister Wives” and “All My Babies Mamas” Are Not the Same

Source: TheGrio.com

Almost a year ago when I was a flip-flopping fan of Love and Hip-Hop, I used to defend the fact the networks are basically making African-American women modern day minstrels by saying, “At least VH-1 doesn’t discriminate, they exploit women of all races.”  It was a joke, but I was partially serious.  If women were going to put their personal lives on TV for corporate networks to make big bucks off of their embarrassment at least in addition to Love and Hip-Hop we had Jersey Shore and Mafia Wives to reassure us that white women were shucking and jiving right beside us.  But the truth is all reality TV is not the same if not solely for the fact that negative portrayals of the worst our culture has to offer still greatly outweigh the positive.  Young women can turn on the TV and still see women who are known for being something other than some rapper’s bitter baby mama or the video model who made it from the pole to the penthouse. Unfortunately most of those women are white.

Unless you’ve successfully managed to turn a blind eye to the ratchetness of reality TV, you’re probably aware that the Oxygen network agreed to cancel the airing of rapper Shawty Lo’s reality show All My Babies Mamas.  No, this was not a Saturday Night Live sketch, this was an actual reality show about the washed up rapper and his 11 children.  Fans petitioned against this potential minstrel parade and as a result from the controversy and outrage, Oxygen buckled and canceled.

Source: TheExaminer.com

I don’t hate reality TV, I just remember a time when there was a moral to the story.  Sure the casts of the Real World got drunk, had sex and fought a majority of the time, but MTV made sure we got a dose of morality by making them work towards a good cause to be even featured on the show.  So at least in between pregnancy scares we got an attempt at a PSA for safe sex.  And what about TLC network’s Sister Wives?  Yes, every week we get to hear four middle-aged mildly attractive women squabble about who gets the mini-bar in the houses they’re having built, but in between was some attempt to educate about polygamy, the Mormon religion and tolerance.

So what exactly are we learning from Basketball Wives?  That Brazilian curly weave doesn’t hold up well when soaked in Ciroc and cranberry?  Oh and Love and Hip Hop teaches us the same damn lesson every season:  You can be a bottom bitch all you want.  All the breast implants and booty shots in the world won’t make a rapper be faithful.  If you can’t tell, black reality TV is sold to us in a much different way than white reality TV most days.  Sister Wives is on TLC (The Learning Channel) for heaven’s sake.  It’s packaged as an educational show.  Meanwhile the Oxygen network which is supposed to be marketed towards women only seems to show us fighting, fucking and talking about how “bad” we are.

Source: DramaSceneMagazine.com

When we think about positive black women on TV, most young girls will reply with Oprah, Tyra Banks and maybe Kerry Washington thanks to her Scandal fame. But you better believe they can name all of the Real Atlanta Housewives and whom they’re dating.  I don’t believe that that TV has an obligation to be a positive influence on young people in America.  Most of these reality stars only show up to entertain, extend their 15 minutes of fame and get a check; no one is interested in healing the world or anything.  But TV networks aren’t even trying to fool us into believing they think their audiences are composed of intelligent, compassionate human beings.  An English professor once told me a long time ago, “Be careful what you choose to watch.  What they air is what they think about you.”  Well you can tell by all of these shows which are aired not once a week, but over and over in mini daily marathons so we can “keep up”, that they think we are all welfare-receiving, weave-worshipping, rapper baby-daddy seeking idiots who are entertained by catfights, hip-hop montages and paternity tests.

In response to the cancellation, Shawty Lo stated, ““To my fans I appreciate that they want to see the show. I feel like they didn’t give the show a chance to air to see what was really going on, and she [petition creator, Sabrina Lamb] made her assumptions off of the trailer.”  But for most of us if we want to see men making a bunch of random kids and selling drugs, all we have to do is walk outside.  TV used to be about escaping the harsh realities of life; these reality shows are now glorifying it and forcing us to be subjected to washed up celebs’ scripted pain.

So although VH-1 will continue to get millions of viewers every Sunday, and my Facebook feed and Twitter timeline will be filled more with the war between Mimi and Joseline then the war in Iraq, I consider the canceling of All My Babies Mamas one small victory.  And hopefully people will begin to think a little more about what those corporate big wigs think about them when they take a look at their DVR recordings.  They won’t show it, if you don’t watch.

10 Ways Not To Get My Number

Source: VeralynMedia.com

Women get exhausted with being hit on.  We like the attention, but some of you aren’t even trying and that’s insulting.  It’s like because you have testosterone and some random chick once told you that you had “swag”, you think you can just say or do anything and we’ll be like, “Here’s my number and e-mail address.  Would you like a side of head to go with that?”

When men try to randomly holla at me, I’m actually pretty polite.  Mostly because even though some dudes think they can come out their mouth disrespectfully, I still believe people should be treated with courtesy and respect.  Also because some of you have a hard time dealing with rejection and I don’t feel like being assaulted with a, “Bitch you wasn’t that cute anyway,” yelled at me across a crowded city street.  So we can avoid the bruised egos, take a look at some things you already have working against you before you build the nerve to holla:

1.  Being a follower (following me literally and his friends figuratively).

How many girls did you really hear talking about how badly they wanted to fuck The Rza or The Gza?  None, right? Because they all wanted Method Man.  Or how many girls did you hear knocking down Lil’ Twist or Gudda Gudda’s door?  In fact does anyone have a clue who is in Young Money besides Lil’ Wayne, Drake, Nicki Minaj and maybe Tyga?  That’s because every girl wants to be with the leader.  It is genetically ingrained in us to be attracted to the alpha male.   Are we all dating the leader?  Hell no.  But some of us think we are and that’s because you have to be a leader at something.  If you’re just a sidekick in the crew, you better shine in some way.  If you’re the DJ and not the rapper, you better spin your ass off and come out with some headphones. If you drop fries and aren’t the manager, those fries better taste like Ronald McDonald made them himself.  My point is: Women like confidence.  No woman wants to feel like her man is looking to another man to lead the way.

2.  The line, “Oh you got a man?  Well you looking for a friend?”

No, actually I don’t.  I do not aimlessly wander the streets boyfriend-free daily wondering when’s the next time I’m going to make a new friend that secretly wants to fuck me.  So please let’s stop with the BS like you really want to help me shop for jeans and create Jodeci playlists to keep the passion alive with my man.  We both know damn well your version of “friend” includes trying to methodically manipulate me out of my draws.

3.  Irritating behaviors like poking, teasing and sticking your tongue out.  What are we 12?

Save the tickling and teasing for play dates with your daughter.  No girl wants to feel like her first encounter with a guy is a flashback to seventh grade recess.  My idea of romance isn’t playing Call of Duty and eating Froot Loops.  You’re a grown ass man.  If you don’t come with some intelligent conversation and adult flirting and stop playing…

4.  Facebook, Twitter or texting is your first point of contact.

Since I was born before 1990, I remember a day where a guy would aggressively grab your hand and hit you with a, “Yo shawty, can I talk to you for a minute?” ask you for your number and actually call you.  At the time I may have thought it was slightly disrespectful but I actually think that’s a whole lot better than this new-age “Do you like me?  Check YES or NO” shit that’s taking place via Instagram and Facebook.  It’s like are you scared that you’ll be put on the spot to be witty and charming without having the comfort of first drafting a text? If you are over 21, your first point of contact with me should not be written. We’re all grown people with plenty of experience in stuttering and awkward silence.

5.  Making yourself seem extra important by constantly being on your cell phone talking about how much money you get or Gucci this, Prada that.

There’s nothing I loathe more than seeing a grown ass man pull out his phone and randomly call someone to discuss “business”.  It’s always some vague shit that doesn’t even seem legit like, “Lamar supposed to come through with a stack later on tonight for that thing we took care of last night.” Or “Ni**as don’t know it’s not a game cuz’ forreal, I don’t wait on bread.  I get money all day everyday.  I stay in that ‘Lo and keep a fresh pair of rims on The Escalade.”  Just know that I’m looking at you and knowing the only business you’re handling is pre-paying those Boost mobile minutes you’re wasting fronting.  Do you ever hear Wall Street men walking around randomly talking about how much money they’re stealing getting?  No they save that all that talk for Happy Hour and attend actual merger meetings and lunches with clients.  You look like a lame.  Don’t talk about it, be about it.

6.  Avoiding confrontation.

I once went to the movies with this guy who I had already placed in the “friendzone” for other reasons.  So in the middle of the opening credits some dude’s cell phone rings who’s sitting in the next row.  The guy I’m with thought he was whispering, “Shut that shit off,” but dude in the next row had some bionic ears and starts to spazz talking about, “If someone got a problem, stop bitching and step to me.”  Theater got some damn quiet you could hear the damn movie reel rolling above our heads.  But it’s whatever, that wasn’t even the worst part.  After the movie this man had us ducking out the side door walking like 3 blocks to the car like bionic boy was going to come looking for him.  I understand not wanting confrontation over something so small, but don’t talk shit that you can’t back up.  All I could think was, “I’m the girl with the punk ass dude.”

I’m not some hoodrat who feels feverish at the thought of my man being thrown face down on the sidewalk with some officer’s knee in his neck.  Crime and punishment do not turn me on; I’m not about that life.  You don’t have to go looking for confrontation, but if it finds you one of the worst things you can do is go running with your tail tucked in between your legs. Trust me, it will make your girl look at you in an entirely different way.  You don’t have to go busting shots, but you should have the confidence to defend yourself or her respect for you will go right out the window and all to the other guy who tries to test you.

7.  Faking being the expert on a little everything, but in actuality knowing a lot about nothing.

I have a secret past time I enjoy where I call people on their bullshit.  Maybe it’s because I’m a girl or maybe it’s because I’m somewhat attractive, but I attract men who seem to assume I’m an idiot and feel like they have something to prove to me intellectually.   Don’t try to appear cool and educated by spitting out some random facts that you learned on an episode of Law and Order.  If I’m well versed in a subject I will call you out if you’re wrong.  Just accept the fact that I might actually be kind of smart and move the hell on.

8.  Acting jealous or envious of other males.

You might think Lebron James is the second coming of the Holy Messiah, but please don’t let the girl you’re interested in know.  When you openly worship another man, you’re only making your girl wonder why is she fucking with you and not that guy.

9.  Too sexual too soon.

Last time I checked, I was not a “To Catch a Predator” decoy.  If one of the first three conversations we have include talking about your dick, what positions I enjoy or your oral sex skills I am going to assume you have nothing intellectual to offer and leave you to chat with Chris Hansen.  We don’t have to discuss the declining value of the American dollar, but no girl wants to feel like your only intention is to get her face down ass up on your mama’s couch.  Even if that indeed is your only intention, at least work on talking a good game.

10.  Getting your mack on in the early morning hours.

I get that some of you work at night and some of you have jobs where you don’t have to sit in rush hour traffic to clock in at 9:00 am.  But if I’m hustling and bustling to the bus to get downtown so I can start my workday and you come creeping up blasting Biggie while still in your bedroom slippers, it’s not a good look.  It’s not right but it’s true: I’m going to assume you’re shiftless and have nothing better to do but try to get your mack on after dropping your kids off at school and trying to catch the first episode of Maury Povich before noon.

Made u Look: Deux Lux

The faux leather material has begun to peel and pull away from the handles of my beloved black H&M bag that my cousin bought for me just because she was once balling as a sales associate for T-Mobile.  This means it’s time to find a new bucket bag which has turned into a three-month long struggle.  It’s because I don’t like bags that I see on some different woman’s shoulder every five seconds.  I don’t want a monogrammed mess of “MK’s” or “D&B’s” that end up looking identical.  I need to find a bag that I instantly fall in love with that can store my day-planner (Yes I still write in one of those, carry a Blackberry and haven’t deleted my BlackPlanet account.  Is that a problem?), my inhaler, five lip glosses at a time, my Loreal True Match compact powder and a variety of other things that I don’t need but give me comfort knowing they’re within an arm’s length even if they all are sitting on top of my pepper spray.

If you’re like me and need a bag that only looks like you dropped a grand and just a tad bit funky and fun, you should be visiting DeuxLux. com  (pronounced “duh loo” and as far as I know means “two light”).  The inspiration behind these sexy bags are mother-daughter duo, Fati Mahdavi (aka “Mama”) and Sara Naghedi.  This is probably the reason that the bags usually offer the best of both worlds: studs and hardware for the edgy, ruffles and pastels for the feminine, sequins and glitter for the glamorous.  Also the bags are classic quality, but don’t look dated.  Most of them are made of vegan letter and come packaged in a carrying case that makes you feel like luxury.  Most importantly, you will not see everyone and their mama walking down the street with these bags.  Deux Lux usually offers some kick-ass sales where they take almost half off the price of last season’s favorites.  In fact, they are having one right now.  Here are some favs that I’ve purchased and some that are on my wish list:

Anais Turn-Lock StachelThis beauty originally listed at $130.00 was just slashed on sale for $90.00 After stalking it since Christmas I just got mine in black.

Anais Turn-Lock Satchel: This beauty originally listed at $130.00 was just slashed on sale for $90.00. After stalking it since Christmas I just got mine in black.

Deux Lux Bowery Weekender

Bowery Weekender: For those weekends spent at the boyfriend’s house, this baby just went from $120.00 to $98.00.

Deux Lux Empire Strikes Back Clutch

Empire Strikes Back Clutch: For the spike lover in fun colors.

Deux Lux Fortune Cookie

Fortune Cookie: No offense intended, but this bag looks deliciously different.

Deux Lux King Messenger

King Messenger: Good luck finding this one. Love the bold lines and even bolder colors.

Deux Lux Love Drops Hobo

Love Drops Hobo: The super girly bows make this bag effortlessly elegant.

Deux Lux Ruffle Bucket Bag

Ruffle Bucket Bag: My second purchase ever from Deux Lux. A little on the small side for me, but the ruffles were so cute. (Not to mention the zipper broke after day one, but that may be just because I tried to stuff my whole life in it).

Deux Lux Twist Knot Hobo

Twist Knot Hobo: My introduction to Deux Lux that I accidentally came across on the Urban Outfitters website. It was a Christmas gift and makes me feel expensive. My favorite bag ever. I could seriously store a small child in this bad boy and the best part is: I have never seen anyone with it. Currently carrying it.

Is There A Reason That Hollywood Keeps Re-Doing the Same Horror Movies?

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Sleepaway Camp = Sick shit.

There’ s something that most people don’t know about me:  I’m a complete sucker for cheesy 80’s horror movies.  I’m talking movies chockful of corn-syrup colored gore, badly scripted teen sexual encounters that prelude a good old-fashioned slashing, and special effects that look like they were created in my college freshman visual arts class.  Movies like Sleepaway Camp, Bloody Birthday and of course the cult classic The Evil Dead restore my faith in satellite television. 

It’s no wonder why with the release of Texas Chainsaw 3D, I find myself wondering, “Are we really doing this shit again?”  Is it me or did we just do this song and dance in 2003 and 2006?  I guess we are taking advantage of the fact that we can charge folks an extra $5.00 to make them feel like they too are about to be sawed into itty bitty pieces thanks to the genius of 3D.  Spare me.  I’m old enough to remember the original versions of remakes like Nightmare on Elm Street, The Hitcher, and The Stepfather and time and time again they have all proven there’s nothing as good as the first time.  There was something about eighties horror that made viewers feel strangely superior of predictable plots and dim-witted characters. But today’s generation won’t share that same confidence.  With all of the special effects and celebrity features in the world, today’s remakes fall short.  It’s obvious that Hollywood is like, “Fuck the plot.  As long as we get your ass in that theater, we’ve won.”  It’s insulting, frankly.  You could at least front for the first fifteen minutes of the film like you actually made an effort to engage me and not just take my money.

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Really, Trey?

What do today’s generation of teens have to truly call their own? Not much.  The past decade had us on a roll at first straying away from the supernatural to focus on shit that in this sick and twisted world we live in could actually happen to you.  We had the Saw series which never made us look at puppets or cancer patients with a point to prove the same and Eli Roth’s perverted Hostel which actually took an invasive, honest look into the perversions of mankind.  Paranormal Activity gave anyone craving a hit of the random flying objects of Poltergeist a nice buzz, but in between Hollywood occupied us with busy-work BS like when you give an intern a meaningless task like photo-copying the company brochure a million times because who knows, one day you might actually use them.

Honestly the last movie that left me alone paralyzed in fear and shame every time the TV reception went snowy was The Ring. Those Japanese are onto something with creepy looking long haired chicks walking on the ceiling on all fours in seizure resembling spasms that require some limbs pulled out the sockets.  Can we get some more that?  I mean it’s not exactly original but it’s a way different direction than trying to make Freddy Kreuger and Michael Myers old asses cool again by adding Limp Bizkit on the soundtrack and making blood seem like it’s flying on my face from the screen.

So we’ve got my main man Trey “Trigga” Songz making what I believe is his big screen acting debut as a token in this horrid looking Chainsaw Massacre crap and if he makes it to the end (which we know he won’t) I’m halfway expecting him to belt out, “I don’t want to leave, but I gotta go right now,” before getting his rock hard pecs ripped off.  What’s next, Justin Beiber in Chucky Takes Hollywood 3-D?  I’m over it. Paging Sam Raimi, Wes Craven and Clive Barker…can we skip the shits and giggles remakes just so Hollywood can make a quick buck off of making everything 3-D and put some sincere effort into making some movies that will go down in horror genre history?  The youth of today need a little corn-syrup blood and guts to believe in.