Women get exhausted with being hit on. We like the attention, but some of you aren’t even trying and that’s insulting. It’s like because you have testosterone and some random chick once told you that you had “swag”, you think you can just say or do anything and we’ll be like, “Here’s my number and e-mail address. Would you like a side of head to go with that?”
When men try to randomly holla at me, I’m actually pretty polite. Mostly because even though some dudes think they can come out their mouth disrespectfully, I still believe people should be treated with courtesy and respect. Also because some of you have a hard time dealing with rejection and I don’t feel like being assaulted with a, “Bitch you wasn’t that cute anyway,” yelled at me across a crowded city street. So we can avoid the bruised egos, take a look at some things you already have working against you before you build the nerve to holla:
1. Being a follower (following me literally and his friends figuratively).
How many girls did you really hear talking about how badly they wanted to fuck The Rza or The Gza? None, right? Because they all wanted Method Man. Or how many girls did you hear knocking down Lil’ Twist or Gudda Gudda’s door? In fact does anyone have a clue who is in Young Money besides Lil’ Wayne, Drake, Nicki Minaj and maybe Tyga? That’s because every girl wants to be with the leader. It is genetically ingrained in us to be attracted to the alpha male. Are we all dating the leader? Hell no. But some of us think we are and that’s because you have to be a leader at something. If you’re just a sidekick in the crew, you better shine in some way. If you’re the DJ and not the rapper, you better spin your ass off and come out with some headphones. If you drop fries and aren’t the manager, those fries better taste like Ronald McDonald made them himself. My point is: Women like confidence. No woman wants to feel like her man is looking to another man to lead the way.
2. The line, “Oh you got a man? Well you looking for a friend?”
No, actually I don’t. I do not aimlessly wander the streets boyfriend-free daily wondering when’s the next time I’m going to make a new friend that secretly wants to fuck me. So please let’s stop with the BS like you really want to help me shop for jeans and create Jodeci playlists to keep the passion alive with my man. We both know damn well your version of “friend” includes trying to methodically manipulate me out of my draws.
3. Irritating behaviors like poking, teasing and sticking your tongue out. What are we 12?
Save the tickling and teasing for play dates with your daughter. No girl wants to feel like her first encounter with a guy is a flashback to seventh grade recess. My idea of romance isn’t playing Call of Duty and eating Froot Loops. You’re a grown ass man. If you don’t come with some intelligent conversation and adult flirting and stop playing…
4. Facebook, Twitter or texting is your first point of contact.
Since I was born before 1990, I remember a day where a guy would aggressively grab your hand and hit you with a, “Yo shawty, can I talk to you for a minute?” ask you for your number and actually call you. At the time I may have thought it was slightly disrespectful but I actually think that’s a whole lot better than this new-age “Do you like me? Check YES or NO” shit that’s taking place via Instagram and Facebook. It’s like are you scared that you’ll be put on the spot to be witty and charming without having the comfort of first drafting a text? If you are over 21, your first point of contact with me should not be written. We’re all grown people with plenty of experience in stuttering and awkward silence.
5. Making yourself seem extra important by constantly being on your cell phone talking about how much money you get or Gucci this, Prada that.
There’s nothing I loathe more than seeing a grown ass man pull out his phone and randomly call someone to discuss “business”. It’s always some vague shit that doesn’t even seem legit like, “Lamar supposed to come through with a stack later on tonight for that thing we took care of last night.” Or “Ni**as don’t know it’s not a game cuz’ forreal, I don’t wait on bread. I get money all day everyday. I stay in that ‘Lo and keep a fresh pair of rims on The Escalade.” Just know that I’m looking at you and knowing the only business you’re handling is pre-paying those Boost mobile minutes you’re wasting fronting. Do you ever hear Wall Street men walking around randomly talking about how much money they’re stealing getting? No they save that all that talk for Happy Hour and attend actual merger meetings and lunches with clients. You look like a lame. Don’t talk about it, be about it.
6. Avoiding confrontation.
I once went to the movies with this guy who I had already placed in the “friendzone” for other reasons. So in the middle of the opening credits some dude’s cell phone rings who’s sitting in the next row. The guy I’m with thought he was whispering, “Shut that shit off,” but dude in the next row had some bionic ears and starts to spazz talking about, “If someone got a problem, stop bitching and step to me.” Theater got some damn quiet you could hear the damn movie reel rolling above our heads. But it’s whatever, that wasn’t even the worst part. After the movie this man had us ducking out the side door walking like 3 blocks to the car like bionic boy was going to come looking for him. I understand not wanting confrontation over something so small, but don’t talk shit that you can’t back up. All I could think was, “I’m the girl with the punk ass dude.”
I’m not some hoodrat who feels feverish at the thought of my man being thrown face down on the sidewalk with some officer’s knee in his neck. Crime and punishment do not turn me on; I’m not about that life. You don’t have to go looking for confrontation, but if it finds you one of the worst things you can do is go running with your tail tucked in between your legs. Trust me, it will make your girl look at you in an entirely different way. You don’t have to go busting shots, but you should have the confidence to defend yourself or her respect for you will go right out the window and all to the other guy who tries to test you.
7. Faking being the expert on a little everything, but in actuality knowing a lot about nothing.
I have a secret past time I enjoy where I call people on their bullshit. Maybe it’s because I’m a girl or maybe it’s because I’m somewhat attractive, but I attract men who seem to assume I’m an idiot and feel like they have something to prove to me intellectually. Don’t try to appear cool and educated by spitting out some random facts that you learned on an episode of Law and Order. If I’m well versed in a subject I will call you out if you’re wrong. Just accept the fact that I might actually be kind of smart and move the hell on.
8. Acting jealous or envious of other males.
You might think Lebron James is the second coming of the Holy Messiah, but please don’t let the girl you’re interested in know. When you openly worship another man, you’re only making your girl wonder why is she fucking with you and not that guy.
9. Too sexual too soon.
Last time I checked, I was not a “To Catch a Predator” decoy. If one of the first three conversations we have include talking about your dick, what positions I enjoy or your oral sex skills I am going to assume you have nothing intellectual to offer and leave you to chat with Chris Hansen. We don’t have to discuss the declining value of the American dollar, but no girl wants to feel like your only intention is to get her face down ass up on your mama’s couch. Even if that indeed is your only intention, at least work on talking a good game.
10. Getting your mack on in the early morning hours.
I get that some of you work at night and some of you have jobs where you don’t have to sit in rush hour traffic to clock in at 9:00 am. But if I’m hustling and bustling to the bus to get downtown so I can start my workday and you come creeping up blasting Biggie while still in your bedroom slippers, it’s not a good look. It’s not right but it’s true: I’m going to assume you’re shiftless and have nothing better to do but try to get your mack on after dropping your kids off at school and trying to catch the first episode of Maury Povich before noon.