5 Things That Big Breasted Women Should Leave to the Tiny Titty Committee

Although I’ve had plenty of body parts to be insecure about at one time or another, thankfully my cup size has never been one of them.  I am the proud owner of a set of high-B/borderline C cups. What comedian was it that said more than a mouthful is too much?  Well it’s safe to say none of my boyfriends ever went hungry, but what female at one point or another hasn’t looked at Nicki Minaj’s plastic but damn near perfect rack and questioned their womanhood (and their sexuality)?

It’s no secret that our society has been under the spell of big breastuses for decades now.  Our standards of beauty have probably been super warped, but the truth is having big breastuses has its advantages.  When you’re on the itty bitty titty committee “Titty fucking” is pretty pointless and leaves the twins all sore from being pushed together, all your bras come with an extra foam breast just to get some cleavage, and how many times have I gotten free cookies at Qdoba thanks to my co-worker and her girls and the creepy old guy who always fucks up what beans I want from being “distracted”.

Still there are some things I feel that just work better on a smaller scale.  Here are just a few things that are best left to B-cups and below:

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Made U Look: Shift Dresses

Remember that Body-con dress I told you I lost my mind and bought in my last post?  Yeah well there’s a reason I’ve avoided them.  I’m a tiny girl, but apparently the bottles of Yellowtail Rose’ that were a regular part of my “I Survived Another Week Working at a Non-Profit” celebrations every weekend and the stomach pudge I seem to have developed didn’t get the memo.  Before my supervisor puts me on baby bump watch, I need to invest in some Spanx.   In the meantime, a new trend has come to my rescue: Shift Dresses.

Shift dresses are like shirt dresses, but will get you less stares in public since you actually look like you have on clothes.  Simply put,  a shift dress has straight lines and doesn’t hug your frame or cinch at the waist.  Classic shift dresses, my favorite kind, are sleeveless, knee-length and usually have a high-collar or boatneck.  They have a “mod” feel to them made popular in the 6o’s by trendsetters like Audrey Hepburn and Mia Farrow.  The updated versions come in a variety of colors, sleeve types and hemlines.

What I like most is that it works well for most body types.  Usually my itty bitty body type will drown in anything that’s not fitted (Learned that lesson the hard way.  Thanks, Old Navy), but shift dresses complement every figure from the skinny bitches to the big girls.  Here are just a few of my faves:

Mixed Stripes Shift Dress $22.80 @ Forever21.com

Jagged Stripes Shift Dress $29.50 @ agacistore.com

Mod Art Shift Dress $27.90 @ LoveCulture.com

Colorblock Dress $19.90 @ LoveCulture.com

How High? 10 Tips on Making Your Pumps Less Painful

Source: CatwalkFashion.co.uk

A small fraction of me got excited for spring the other day and temporarily lost my mind. When I finally regained my sanity I found that I had made online purchases that resulted in three body-con dresses and one skater dress amongst other things that were once only pins on my Spring/Summer 2013 Pinterest board.

It’s no help that in one week the weather forced me into a light jersey dress by Wednesday only to have me in a pea coat and dark denim by Friday.  I need Mother Nature to make up her damn mind.  I barely want to part with my riding boots and cowl neck sweaters as it is, but every time I try to leave, below average temps keep pulling me back.

Anywayz, what that means is that it’s comeback season for my heels as I get ready for a summer hopefully packed with concerts, Fire Island panty parties and getaways with the girls.  Even if it means I’m dangling them in my hand helping a friend make her “boardwalk of shame” along the beach after one too many shots of Parrot Bay.

The truth is…I’m a little scared.  My riding boots have spoiled me all winter long and I know my feet will be pissed if I even look at anything more than an inch higher than the ground.  Say goodbye to the comfort that came with not anticipating cracks in the sidewalk, gliding to the back of a speeding bus with ease without grabbing to the poles so you don’t end up in some strange man’s lap or secretly laughing at your friend limping halfway through the night in her 5 inchers as you dance your ass off in your funky wedge sneakers.

Whether you’re a newbie to the game or coming off a high-heel hiatus, here are some tips on how to make your pumps slightly less painful (along with some of my favorite foot finds for spring and summer):

8 Celebs I Liked Better Bigger (and Five that Shed Pounds in the Pursuit of Fabulous)

Source: NewSchoolers.com

I don’t know what it is, but some celebs lose a little bit of something when they shed the pounds.  Either way, they should all be applauded for pursuing a healthier lifestyle.  Here are a few that don’t seem to be settling into their slim figures very well and five who were hiding a whole lot of sexy under all of that weight:

Everything Ain’t For Everybody: A$AP Rocky May Have a Point

Source: Bossip.com

This past week I decided I wanted to get adventurous and put my Urban Decay Naked palettes and Sephora Glossy Glosses on stand-by while I experimented with a pop of color.  I’ve been loving the new “bold red lip” trend that has been happening and although my man warned me months ago that my bottom lip was “too big to be so bold”, I figured WTH does he know about beauty and took my behind to a Sephora sales representative for suggestions.  I ended up walking out with “The Red O4” a classic bright red and “Crush 23” a deep plum, both cream matte lipsticks.

First the good news,  the purple was…different, but in a good way.  It was like a deep crushed velvet that would make Prince proud and gave me a dark, vixen old Hollywood look.  I probably wouldn’t wear it while teaching a class but it was a definite do for the club.  The red on the other hand was just OK.  I mean I didn’t look like a demented Bette Davis in “Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?” and it didn’t look wrong, but more so it didn’t look right.

For that reason, I kind of have to agree with rapper A$ap Rocky’s statements in a recent interview.

“I feel like with the red lipstick thing it all depends on the pair of complexion. I’m just being for real. You have to be fair skinned to get away with that. Just like if you were to wear like—f*cking for instance, what do dark skin girls have that you know fair skinned girls cant do… Purple lipstick? Naw, that looks stupid on all girls! Purple lipstick, guys! Like, what the f*ck…”

No girl…

Grammatically he might need a little help, but is he really that far off with his opinion? Now I’m the first to admit any beauty or fashion or choices I make are to please me eyes and not a man’s, but the truth is some of us look a mess and instead of thanking A$ap for being honest all we can talk about is how his profession and private parts make him wrong by default.  I don’t care if it’s cherry red, brick red, or absolutely-right red,  ladies on some of you it’s plain wrong and you should stick to the neutrals.  I think it’s less about the shade of your skin and more about the size of your pout though. And as a warning for those who will still undoubtedly give the bold red lip a try, it kinda does get everywhere.

Of course in the comments sections of most blogs, women were quick to defend their beauty choices and accuse the rapper of being color-struck and ignorant to all things beauty because he’s **welp** a man (Hello, have you ever heard of Sam Fine or Philly-based Kidd Krush?), but the rapper and all of his Y chromosomes make a valid point.  Normally I wouldn’t take beauty advice from a man rocking a hairstyle that looks like it was created in his Mee Maw’s kitchen, but so many times I’ve witnessed women flock to try a trend that just doesn’t work for them.  And it’s not so much that you look like a fashion disaster when trying certain trends, they’re just not all the most flattering.

Why continue to wear something just because it looked hot on Rihanna, when it only brings out the “OK” in you instead of the “Aww shit!” that lies within.  I saw a woman the other day rocking sky-blue tie-dyed garter tights with cellulite spilling out the sides while she waited for the bus.  Those tights were not meant for her and I felt sorry for the son she had in tow with his mom looking like she jumped from the pole to the playground to pick him up.  The half-shaved head “Cassie” hairstyle, low-waisted jeans, stiletto nails, ombre hair, peplum: All this shit ain’t for everybody.  So often as women we try to force trends to work for us because some so-called fashion expert said it’s “hot”, knowing damn well it'[s not, at least not on you.    Only you have to live with liking what you see in the mirror.  The mind is a powerful thing and it can justify just about any fuckery. Listen to your gut even if you don’t like what it’s telling you and  be honest with the mess you see in the mirror.

Visit Bossip.com for more of Rocky’s insight about the wonderful world of cosmetics:

Color Struck: A$AP Rocky Says Dark Skin Women Can’t Wear Red Lipstick “Only Light Skinned Girls Can Wear That”

 

Is Integrity All that Important Anymore?

Source: MadameNoire.com

So before Friday even hit, I realized I would have to borrow from my savings in order to pay all of my bills yet again. 3 pay days in the month of March and an unexpected $200 asthma pump threw my budget and bills completely off.  In my frustration I found myself thinking, “This can’t be life.”

After realizing that my checking account balance wouldn’t change no matter what creative math I used to add up bills, I turned to Facebook. Someone else’s life had to be shittier than mine at the moment. I come across a girl who friended me a few years back. I don’t know how she found me. As far as I know she’s a video model located in Atlanta with three, well now four kids.

I decide to scroll through her mobile pic album which mostly include cute pics of her kids, but also professional ass shots, bathroom photo shoots in bandage dresses before she hits the club, and photos of her house in ATL, her Range Rover in the driveway and her shopping sprees at Neiman Marcus. I actually kinda hate when girls have ass shots and their kids’ bday party in the same album, but I digress.

I can’t be the only young, attractive woman who’s considered taking some ass shots or swinging on a pole for money. Even if you’ve only entertained it for five seconds. Seriously, life working 9-5 at a local non-profit has its perks, but it’s anything but glamorous. I mean I’m choosing between asthma medication and a down payment for Vegas, and girls are posting pics of Belize and black sands all just because they have a big butt and a smile.

I guess this is “winning”….Source: AnotherFeministRevolution.com

I keep trying to comfort myself with the fact that even though I’m broke, I have integrity. I’m not saying that every aspiring video model or girl bent over on a nightclub flyer promoting “Remy and Red Bottoms” Fridays doesn’t have any character or class, but I’ve always wanted to achieve my dreams of being a professional writer without someone googling my name and image results of me being face down, ass up flashing across the screen.  But I’d be lying if I said there weren’t times when I wonder if this writing grind is worth the work I’m investing into it.

It depresses me that every woman will come to a point in her career where she has to question if any of the opportunities she has been given or are pursuing are balanced her booty, breasts or who she’s been to bed with.  Call  me a hater but I’m tired of hearing the women portrayed on shows like Love and Hip Hop (which, by the way is changing lives if you haven’t heard, one exploited stereotype at a time) are “winning” because they rock Louboutins and drive Range Rovers courtesy of which rapper they are fucking at the moment.  I just want a career that resembles the Tamron Hall’s, Lisa Ling’s and Isha Sesay’s of the world.  But I bet you if you asked many young black women what Tamron Hall does they couldn’t tell you.  Now ask who Joseline is and she can probably give you her height, weight and claim to fame.  It seems more and more the priorities in our culture lie more on knowing who is fucking who, who they have beef with and where can I buy their clothing line.  I can’t tell people what’s important or what to care about, but I do know I want my professional reputation to be built on more than who I’m going to bed with.

I guess, in short I just want to feel that outside of model, singer, actress there are attainable and realistic career goals for black women to be “winning” in.  I want to feel like there’s a variety of role models who are about their business and recognized and respected for their intelligence and creativity and not just their cup size.  I don’t foresee any pole dances in my future and as a friend was quick to remind me it’s all about choices and it’s as simple as that.  You have to choose the life that you can in fact live with.  Because all of the “winning” in the world isn’t worth it if you look in the mirror and can’t respect what you see.  Whether your twerking for twenties or mopping the bathroom stalls at Applebee’s, integrity matters the most when you can’t enjoy what you do and still like yourself in the process.  I don’t knock anyone else’s hustle, but I never want any talent I may possess to be overshadowed by my anatomy, because I know I am so much more than that and unfortunately once people see you bent over one too many times, it’s difficult for them to see anything beyond that. I’m not sure if integrity is all that important to anyone else, but it’s still important to the one person that matters: me.