Why I Don’t Need Tia Mowry To Teach Me How To Make Turkey Meatballs

There are times when I’m feeling particularly domestic. I think about all the fancy meals I can create with feta cheese, crispy prosciutto, and jicama. I’ll scour Pinterest for all kinds of sophisticated, artsy place settings and fun ideas for adult dinner parties where my friends and I debate over episodes of Politically Incorrect and actually know what to look for when pairing wine…like a boss.

But then my 8-month-old literally slaps me into reality (she’s actually just taking my glasses so she can make it rain saliva on the lenses) and suddenly I’m in the middle of Walmart facing the harsh reality that my budget and schedule will only allow me to get as fancy as the Velveeta Shells and Cheese with broccoli. Hey, at least it’s not Kraft. That vomit is for undergrads who work in the student union for $50.00 a week.

In those few moments of my Martha Stewart meets Mindy Kaling fantasies, I sometimes turn to the Cooking Channel thinking maybe I’ll find something that I can actually accomplish in reality that will look like I actually gave a damn while grocery shopping. A few weeks ago I happened to catch both actresses Tia Mowry and Tiffani Amber Thiessen’s cooking shows. I was excited to see what one half the Mowry twins would be whipping up in “Tia Mowry at Home” since she often highlighted her vegan lifestyle on the reality show she shared with her other half, Tamera a few years ago. “Dinner at Tiffani’s” seemed like a different take on a cooking show to me since we’d get to see “Kelly Kapowski” cook for celebrity friends like Seth Green and Elizabeth Berkley before engaging in moving conversation with them over Mint Chocolate Chip Mojitos about the trials and tribulations of growing up in Hollywood.

But then, in the most sobering moment of May of 2015, Ms. Mowry proceeded to instruct on how to make turkey meatballs.  You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.

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Why You Need To Let Shit Go

“Should I retire before my birthday or wait until the end of August?” my mom asked me this past weekend as I dropped my daughter off to spend the day with her “Glam Mom” and “Pop Pop”. After working for a Philadelphia hospital since before I was born, my mom will be retiring this year and has a pension and a retirement plan waiting for her, something that will be a rarity for many of us millennials. Lately in my life I’ve witnessed several situations unfolding for the people around me who are struggling to let go. Whether it’s a job, a relationship or an inflated sense of power, the one thing I am learning is how pitiful and sad it looks when someone is trying to make something work that won’t and refusing to move on. I told my mom to book a birthday cruise and chuck the deuces to her job before she gets a chance to blow the 62 candles out on her cake.

Have you ever seen a TV show that should have ended a few seasons before it actually did? If not, you might want to tune in to a certain ABC Family series about four attractive, petite, dishonest friends investigating the murder of their best friend (I’m sorry but they lost me after that season where they discovered Alison was still alive). Or how about a certain Saturday morning sitcom about a diverse group of high schoolers who had a love/hate relationship with their principal that tried to transition to a college-themed series at night only to leaves fans looking like, “Where the hell is Lisa Turtle?” Or my favorite: the life and times of Canadian highschoolers who get pregnant, get arrested or come out of the closet like clockwork who I learned did “whatever it takes” to keep the fun going and will now be taking their pregnancy scares to Netflix.

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Not MY Daughter: “Hot Girls Wanted” Reveals America’s Unhealthy Relationship With Sex

This weekend my 7 month-old actually napped long enough for me to catch Hot Girls Wanted, a little Sundance gem produced by Rashida Jones, the maverick who once played Jim Halpert’s rebound girlfriend we all hated to love on The Office. On top of being the spawn of old-school, super producer Quincy Jones, she also moonlights as a comic book author, screenwriter and singer (Yep, she sings “Wanted to Be Loved” on the doc’s soundtrack).

Needless to say in 84 minutes on top of gaining Jones as a new superhero, Hot Girls Wanted reaffirmed to me a sad truth that I’ve spent a good portion of my sex-ed career fighting to change: America has an unhealthy and sickening relationship with sex. The documentary follows several fresh-faced young girls barely out of their high school graduation gowns who leave their small West Bumblefuck towns chasing dreams of stardom and “the good life” in the big city of Miami. Apparently, Miami is becoming a leader in porn production since companies can escape Los Angeles laws that now require performers to wear condoms. Safe sex is apparently a buzzkill in porn profit, since many viewers prefer to watch porn that doesn’t feature condoms.

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