Warning: I’m about to be super annoying for the next year or so. Just kidding, but I am a new mom and I finally get that fascination that new parents have about twenty or so times a day every time their newborn smiles, discovers a new appendage, or belches differently. I won’t pretend to suddenly be a parenting expert because there is a little person in this world sporting some of my DNA. What I will do is give you my very real opinion on parenthood. I’ll tell you as much about spit up down my cleavage as I will about those questionable men who would still hit on me despite the Hcg running through my body.
You know what I won’t do? I won’t preface everything with, “I love my child to death, but…” Let’s just get this out the way now, because I noticed I’ve been doing that lately to balance out any ill-feelings I may have about not being in love with being a mom 24/7 and it’s completely unnecessary. Let’s just say motherhood is like being a nurse. Most of us know what we signed up for and love our jobs, but honestly, who really enjoys cleaning up shit? So to be clear, I LOVE MY SQUIRM, but there are plenty of unglamorous, annoying and disgusting things about being a mom that I am not so in love with.
What no one tells you is that newborns sleep A LOT. I’m talking I didn’t know what color Camden’s eyes were until she was about a month old. When you first bring your baby home from the hospital you’ll feel less like the super mom on the Pampers commercial with something that kicks, coos and looks at you like you’re the most fascinating thing to hide behind two hands, and more like a roommate on the Bad Girls Club. There will be this new gorgeous roommate, who you soon discover cries a lot, doesn’t pay rent and leaves all of her shit for you to clean. What that meant for me is that I had a whole lot of time to write and shop. By the time I got back to work I had a week’s worth of posts for the blog and a bunch of overpriced items from Etsy for the Squirm like a custom-made elephant lamp which is virtually impossible for any person under the age of twenty-one to appreciate. She’ll probably end up writing her name on it in red crayon and completely break my heart.
But anyways, here are some things that I really miss about life pre-Squirm and some things I’m glad are finally gone: